|Season 04, Episode 07|
|Air date||January 5, 2003|
Boys At Ranch
It was directed by Jeff Melman and written both by Gary Murphy & Neil Thompson. The episode aired on January 5th, 2003
When Malcolm is kicked out of the basketball team, he decides to keep his opinions to himself. Though it starts off great, he eventually develops stomach ulcer. Meanwhile, Hal tries race-walking and ends up with a rival. Reese must enlist Craig as a chauffeur so he can accompany Alison to a concert, but is in over his head when he learns of Craig's real intentions for a hayride date and won't let him renege out of it.
Malcolm has recently joined the high school basketball team, but when his verbal criticism of the coach's game plans get him kicked off the team, he laments that his own smart mouth continually lands him in hot water. When Lois happens to bitch about a minor housekeeping offense, Malcolm silences his wise-assed inner voice by merely apologizing for the infraction. This defrays the confrontation and elicits pleasantry from his bombastic mom in leaving him alone. By holding his tongue, Malcolm's able to get back onto the basketball team, win the favor of girlfriend Nicki, earn a sudden allowance from Hal, and dispel Lois' wrath.
Meanwhile, Reese wishes to accompany Alison to the concert. However after having his drivers license suspended because his public defender refused to try the insanity defense, he tries to go to his parents for help. Unfortunately, they refuse and Reese bribes Craig Feldspar with a warm and huge cinnamon roll in order to chauffeur them to the concert. Soon he finds himself in over his head when he learns that Craig has been calling him numerous times to help him pick out clothes for their "date".
Hal tries race-walking, but ends up as a rival named Wheeler. His attempts to find out his secret weapon proves to be fruitless and even Dewey is discouraging him to give up. However, Hal soon discovers Wheeler's dirty secret on the tape, the man cheats by power jogging. When confronted by the evidence, Wheeler is shocked but attempts to run for it by stealing the tape. Hal manages to stop his rival, but both crashed into the baby carriage.
Meanwhile, Malcolm's inner voice grows more sarcastic and downright demonic until, just as the hard-case coach is about to put him into the game, he spits up blood. It's a peptic ulcer, brought on by all his bottled-up stress, and from his hospital bed, our young hero is loosed from his self-created bonds and showers his mom with a barrage of classic Malcolm belly-aching.
While driving Reese and Alison to the concert, Craig selfishly passes the concert by. Reese tells him that they missed the entrance to the concert. Craig tells them they're not going to the concert because he has plans of his own for his two passengers. He wants to start of his date with a hayride, then a nice dinner and end the evening at a nice, romantic bonfire at the beach. When Reese tells Craig that he has just ruined his and Alison's date, he snaps, pulls over and stops his car. He furiously shouts at them that he's been planning this outing for 34 years and he won't let them ruin it. Then Craig tells them that they're going on a hayride, dinner and then a bonfire at the beach which they will enjoy whether they like it or not. Alison having enough of his tirade, pepper sprays his face with a can of mace and is ready to give Reese the same treatment if he doesn't allow her to go her own way. She leaves the car and attends the concert alone. At the beach, a pissed off Reese is forced to spend the rest of his evening with Craig, toasting marshmellows and hearing him singing songs from Air Supply on his ukulele.
- Reese: Craig! You are ruining our date!
- Craig:(pulling over and slams on the brakes. He looks back at Reese & Alison with rage) Now listen here! Do you know how long I have dreamed and planned for this night? 34 YEARS AND I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU LITTLE BRATS RUIN IT!!! We're gonna have a hayride, dinner, and a bonfire and it will be a magical evening that will live in our hearts FOREVER!!!
- Alison: What's that on your glasses?
- Craig: (takes his glasses off) What?
- [Alison pepper sprays him with a can of mace.]
- Craig: Ahhhhhh!!!!! Reese, you said she would be nice to me. You said she'd like me!!!!
- [Alison looks at Reese shock and unfastens her seatbelt to get our of the car.]
- Reese: Yeah, let's ditch this loser.
- [Alison positions the mace can on Reese too, implying that she will spray him next if he doesn't let her go her own way. Reese smiles nervously.]
- Reese: Okay, see you in school.
- [Alison slams the door and leaves to attend the concert alone, while Reese is forced to spend the rest of his evening with Craig.]
- [At the beach in the final scene, Craig's vision in his eyes have returned abeit that the outer parts remain red from being sprayed with mace by Alison.]
- Craig: This is great, isn't it? Alison's nice, but I have to say I think a date's better with just two people.
- Reese: Can we stop calling this a date?
- Craig: Well, whatever it is, I can't wait to see the look on my neighbor's face when I come strolling home past eleven. Eat your heart out, Mrs. Clevasol.
- Reese: I think I missed my curfew.
- Craig: There are no curfews on a night like tonight.
- [He grabs a ukelele and starts singing a song by Air Supply while a pissed off Reese continues toasting marshmellows.]
- In one scene where Hal was looking at the Race Walkers, the screenshot was reversed.