|Season 1, Episode 11|
|Air date||April 9, 2000|
|Written by||Maggie Bandur & Pang-Ni Landrum|
|Directed by||Arlene Sanford|
Stock Car Races
The family reluctantly prepares for Aunt Helen's funeral, but Lois finally gets fed-up by the collective attitude and announces she's going to take a bubble bath and everyone else can do their own things.
Francis is upset that Aunt Helen's death was not reported to him. This frees Malcolm to attend a concert with Julie, but she catches him in his underwear and runs away.
One morning, the family is getting ready for Lois's Aunt Helen's funeral. While getting dressed, Hal and Lois explain to Dewey what happens to people after they die and tell him that he needs to get ready for the funeral.
Malcolm is less than thrilled in going to Aunt Helen's funeral because all family gatherings for him are the same, old women pinching his cheeks, claiming he can't wait until he gets acne so then he will be able to fight back, he tells his mother but Lois is adamant in going and gives Malcolm guilt for not feeling bad for his late great aunt. He wanted to go to a concert with Julie Houlerman instead. While getting ready, Hal was looking forward to listening to his records and Dewey has a hard time getting rid of his silent friend, Egg. The only one actually looking forward to going to Aunt Helen's funeral is Reese because he trashed an expensive Mighty Man toy and wants to bury it with her so no one finds out, claiming he has no idea why he does reckless and brutal deeds only claiming he doesn't want to get caught, and he learned from a lawyer show Lois will think he did it but cannot prove it without evidence "No Evidence, No Conviction, E Pleribus Unum".
Francis feels like he's not part of the family because no one told him about a family member dying and is even more upset when Lois tells him that Aunt Helen's husband Uncle Fred had died two months prior. Francis continues to rant to Lois asking her if anyone else has died without him knowing, she tells about the family's daily activities and having refused to tell him more about her dead relatives. When she sees egg throwing utensils out of a drawer, she tells him to stop before Francis asks who Egg is, her only response is Egg was a new boy in the house, confusing him once again. Lois orders Dewey to get rid of Egg before he causes the family more grief.
Later on as Hal is getting dressed for Aunt Helen's funeral, he reveals to Malcolm that Lois and everyone else hated her. Irate that Lois lied to him about being close to her, he calls Julie again and lies about Aunt Helen, giving him a leeway to go to the concert. Lois is still adamant that the family goes and it erupts in a fight between her, Malcolm and Hal. Hal stands up to her by claiming that Francis was right about Lois being a control freak and admits no one wants to go to Aunt Helen's funeral. He also admits that everyone had given up their time even if they were unwilling to attend a travesty of a funeral for someone whom Lois and her own family hated all their lives. Fed up, Lois declares that they won't go to the funeral and that the family can do whatever they want from now on. She decides she will take a relaxing bubble bath.
Hiding in the bathroom to take a bubble bath, Lois sends Reese away when he tries to encourage her to attend Aunt Helen's funeral and he blames Malcolm for it because he was looking forward to hiding a broken toy present from Hal and Lois. Hal listens to his records on his quadraphonic, specifically the song "Stuck in the Middle with You" by Steelers Wheel, while Dewey gets Egg some juice he accidentally spills and Lois calls him to clean it up. Dewey squirts an entire bottle of dish soap on the floor, and him and Egg making a mess of things by covering the entire kitchen floor in suds.
As Julie comes to pick up Malcolm, she catches sight of him in his underwear and is disgusted. She runs out of the room only to trip over the cord Hal used to plug in his quadraphonic, fall onto the soapy kitchen floor of Dewey and Egg and slides into the trash can that Reese kicked over. Malcolm runs out, and Julie explains she just wanted to be nice and people advised her to stay away from Malcolm's house. Malcolm apologizes and says he'll be ready to go soon. Julie rejects this, saying she no longer wants to go, and now she wants nothing to do with Malcolm ever again. She then leaves and never talks to him again.
The Wilkersons are now divided, Lois drinking tea, Hal eating cookies, Reese applying new tape to his hockey stick and Dewey plays with Egg. In the boys' bedroom and feeling guilty for his actions, Malcolm calls Francis for help because the family won't speak to each other. He is elated and mentions he knew the family being divided was going to happen sooner or later. Francis wisely tells Malcolm to use a scapegoat to absolve his guilt. He explains whenever he's at home and with Lois blaming him for the family's problems as their scapegoat, Francis was able to keep them together. Without him to blame their problems on, the Wilkersons doesn't know what to do with themselves and are giving each other the silent treatment. Malcolm thanks Francis for his help and hangs up. He addresses the audience that Francis is right and that the family needs someone to blame their problems on. Malcolm mentions that he knows who would make the perfect scapegoat: Reese.
Coming into the living room, Malcolm addresses his family and apologizes for tearing them apart because of his own selfish needs. This gets Lois' attention, but he's not done and tells them what Reese did was worse. Malcolm proves it by taking his backpack and reveals the crushed Mighty Man toy in front of them. Lois and Hal are furious with Reese for what he's done. They immediately yell at him for ruining Dewey's upcoming birthday present with his selfishness as the Mighty Man toy was very expensive. A smug Malcolm reveals more including that Reese was only looking forward to attending the funeral so he can hide the broken toy in Aunt Helen's coffin. Hal and Lois are further disgusted with him for his intentions to make her spend the rest of eternity holding a crushed Mighty Man toy for his own amusement. Dewey is obviously hurt over how ruined his birthday will be along with his present being destroyed. Reese tries to lie his way out of it, but Hal and Lois not having it from him. He even claimed that they're not going to Aunt Helen's funeral because Lois mentioned they won't. She tells Reese that he can guess again, deciding the family will attend the funeral right away so he can apologize to Aunt Helen for his misdeeds. Lois also declares that the entire family will apologize right away and Hal herds everyone (including Egg) in the family car wearing the clothes they have on.
At Aunt Helen's funeral, Hal gives out a heartfelt and amusing speech which impresses the family and the funeral attendees. Lois is talking to Francis on the lawyer's phone praising his speech and how lovely Aunt Helen looks. Reese is seen facing the wall with his nose in the corner as his punishment for destroying Dewey's birthday present along with intentions of stashing the remains in Helen's coffin and tries to turn away. However, she catches him in the act and loudly orders him to face the wall again, shocking everyone and scaring him enough to turn back to the corner. Afraid of being further punished, Reese complies to her wishes and faces the wall. Whispering on the phone, Lois tells Francis about Reese's actions in breaking Dewey's present.
Malcolm states it has been a pretty productive day, now he has Julie hating him and Reese waiting to kick his ass when they get home, but helps a relative because he needs someone to put in a good word for him just in case Aunt Helen bad mouths him to God.
- Jane Kaczmerek as Lois
- Bryan Cranston as Hal
- Christopher Kennedy Masterson as Francis
- Justin Berfield as Reese
- Erik Per Sullivan as Dewey
- Frankie Muniz as Malcolm
- Landry Albright as Julie Houlerman
- [Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]
- Lois: Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?
- Dewey: Present?
- Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!
- Hal: I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
- Malcolm:[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
- [Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]
- Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
- Dewey: Mighty Man?!
- Lois: I can't believe you.
- Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.
- Reese:[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
- Lois:[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.
- Reese: You did!
- Lois: Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!
- Lois: [At Aunt Helen's funeral] Yeah Francis, your father's giving out a speech and it's actually kind of good.
- Lawyer: Can I have my phone back?
- Lois: I'm almost done, sweetie. [continues talking to Francis] Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
- [Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]
- Lois: [yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!
- [Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]
- Lois: [to Francis] You'll never guess what Reese did.
- Erik Per Sullivan and Alexander Gould later appeared in Finding Nemo.
- This episode marks the final appearance of Julie Houlerman.